Following up the follow-up

In the spirit of "good news, bad news":

Yesterday I spent a dee-lightful lunch with a colleague (not that one) at her home. We ate outdoors by her pool, surrounded by Texas wildflowers and her potted succulents. We congratulated ourselves on individually successful years and accomplishments, and chatted lightly about students graduated and on-site. I met her cats and dog, we ate enchiladas she made and apricots I brought around.

Altogether a nice, happy, laughter-filled lunch. Oh, and totally missing the b.s. of last week's encounters.

Both of us have grown and come through a difficult patch in our personal lives but also our professional lives. Like me, she works on many projects outside the department (as well as in) and generously gives her time to students and professional colleagues. She's found a better way to continue working--lots more energy here, frankly.

We're talking about partnering on a project next year. I think it will happen, if I can get the script translated.

Then I spent the evening with another colleague at a meeting where I am a new member. Whee! Okay, the meeting was too long and confused, but she and I had drinks after and caught up. She's had a recent disappointment that I spent some time convincing her was, in fact, a weird kind of blessing. And it is: cat's out of the bag, she's off the hook, etc. Two years on the school's dime (with benefits) to develop her own projects. Go for it.

Yet another pleasant, open, honest conversation. Wow.

And then... "bad news":

Apparently a recent email of exchange of mine sparked hurt feelings for another colleague.

No, I didn't talk about him to someone else, or to him about himself. What I did was talk to a third party about a program that I might have some interest in, sharing my opinions about what I'd like to see (after prompting by third party) and stating that I wasn't aware of what was being developed.

Apparently, this is a case of letting people know "the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing," which is bad form. Ironically, MY bad form, according to my colleague... who never told me anything or asked me to participate. Well, shut my mouth, you big baby. You don't share, but boo hoo because I make you look like you didn't do your due diligence? which you didn't? boo hoo hoo.

And you slapped me in front of my chair, my dean, and the head of international programs? Oh no you din't.

Wasting my time.

Monday was a long day

That's yesterday. Perhaps it only seemed long because there were so many parts of it, and there was unexpected stress in certain areas.

What went right?

My morning class: the first of my juniors brought in her play to read and it was a success. Yes, ripe for revision, but the first iteration was charming, well-structured, and complete. All good. The feedback session showed a little too many teeth, but we'll fix that.

My grant-writing students. All got their papers in, with my rec letters included, and we're moving on to the next stage of the project: getting them money.

My directing of the student staged reading. A meaty, thoughtful, lively session with my cast. Thank goodness this is flowing because I have had little to no time to make it happen. But the response of the students is fan-tab-u-lous. Although my playwright needs to cut and insert more action: the plot stops because she is so very wordy.

My grading: for once! My non-majors are writing articulate, thoughtful papers that impress the hell out of me and spell carefully. Wow! After semesters of struggling with majors who fight issues like grammar and spelling like it was Beelzebub, a roomful of students who do it, even if they don't get it, is a pleasure and a surprising delight.

What went, well, sideways?

Surprisingly, the formerly smooth work of the search committee I am on. In our last meeting, we ran into what I consider to be an extremely confusing and BIG elephant in the room. Not completely unexpected, but still: wow! Whu-huh-ow!

This generated further response, and might continue to do so. Anything that generates "more" drama or trips a series of responses just steals time and energy from the big ball of "everything else" that's ongoing.

I am consistently surprised by the fact that academics are just as emotional and non-verbal about territory. In fact more so, because there is such little cash or land involved. Salaries are relatively low, power or prestige ditto (especially in such an anti-intellectual culture as our own), and where we should be collegial or at least "do no harm," so many people can't resist being petty. It's not even about intellectual property or a difference of research/scholarly point of view, which might explain it.

Anothing thing that went right? I stood up for my ethical position in an articulate way. Or at least my questions about the ethics. I know it is quite likely that these questions will be brushed aside, like they were yesterday (don't worry your pretty little head!), but...

Fighting "Should"

O-kay.
I've had two visits with my sister over this break, and both focused on her story of my brother-in-law's frustration at work over an ex-employee, begun with the phrase, "You're sort of a feminist, what do you think?"

First, I am not "sort of" a feminist. I am a feminist, as unpleasant as that word has become for many (and why?).

Second, the problem doesn't have anything to do with feminism, feminist thinking, or even really women, other than the ex-employee was one.

The problem as I see it is that my brother-in-law, like many including myself and my sister, are thinking about how the world "should" work, and not how it does. Bad idea, and I am actively weaning myself from that point of view.

Why? Because "should" is for fiction writers (and yes, I use it). "Should" is the same as "fair": not an active force for real in the Universe. I do believe in justice, karma, living consciously without harming others, and respect. I no longer believe in "should."

Thank the Powers That Be!

"Should" is useless. Let me explain. This employee was once an active, productive worker; she became a problematic subordinate who threatened to sue the company, saying my brother-in-law was sexist. He isn't, but not the point. He did everything right, including documenting her below-grade behavior; his bosses love him, especially since the bottom line has increased every year he's been in charge of this part of the company. His evaluations, bonuses, and raises all point that out.

She lied. She misrepresented her work, his attitudes, and her situation: she outright lied on paper and in person, and that was proven. BUT she got her settlement. The company paid her to go away, rather than go to court.

As my sister said (forcefully, at least four times in two conversations), "This shouldn't have happened. She should have been fired without reward."  She's right in "should" terminology: but it did. And a year ago! Why are we talking about it as if it was today? Twice?

The two of them are reliving the "should" of it and missing the point. The bad girl left. She's gone. And his bosses still love him, didn't blame him, and told him so. The decision was made over his head and he's not been held responsible... except by himself. He thinks his other employees don't respect him because of this--but he's not dealing with that issue, which is right in front of him. He thinks his bosses don't respect him--which is patently untrue and in fact the reverse is true: he doesn't respect them, because of their decision, which was a business decision, not a moral one (for them). Both my sister and her husband are angry, frustrated, and worried about something that is over for everyone else. They are stuck.

"Should" creates this: it makes you replay the same thing over and over, wondering why it didn't work out like LAW & ORDER or BUFFY (because they're TV shows, dude!). "Should" gets you stuck in the past, not seeing clearly the present or the future, taking away your opportunity for change.

I say it: those students "should" have done their homework, that politician "should" have gone to jail, that guy "should" have called me back because we had a really good time... BUT they/she/he didn't.

My advice to myself: Let it go. Move on. I have to deal with what's really in front of me and how I can effect a different outcome next time--by changing my methods, or response, or communication. I cannot change or control others, only myself. "Should" is about what other people do--as I see it or as I want it. It is useless, because they won't or can't or don't want to and I cannot make them by the method I am using now.

I am not responsible for the behavior of people who "should" behave better. I can only respond to what they do/choose in the most honest, direct, open way possible as I feel is right. Which doesn't mean it is right for everyone--only me. And maybe I need to learn a new way to communicate with the "should" folks, rather than expecting that their morality/situation is exactly the same as mine: it usually isn't.

And I "should" let "should" go.

Realization: Depression

Today on my way to the garage to drop off the car for a brake job (sigh), I passed my old apartment. The very last one, that I left because landlord was a crack addict with guns and a grudge against his ex-wife and my neighbors... and he lived two doors away. And the apartment was a crackerbox, which was why I was thinking about it before I found out about the crack/guns/grudge business.

Today I realized this: the last two years in that apartment I was just depressed. In a depression. Emotional and physical.

Wow.

I mean, I already knew this--which is why today I am actually not as depressed as I was and doing fine, thank you, but I was depressed then and there in more specific, focused, real way. And that apartment had become the setting for my depression. So today as I drove by it, I realized why I didn't even want to look at what was a perfectly good building (nice georgian brickwork and a lovely, lovely magnolia tree I actually do miss).

That building equals two messed-up years and my own fault. I was depressed. and getting no help--because I didn't know what was wrong and thus wasn't questioning my feelings and thus ignored the signs of my withdrawal and tiredness and lack of engagement with anything beyond the needs of a single day's duration. And apparently my situation wasn't evident to anyone. (Did I mention I was oblivious and not asking for help?) I don't blame co-workers, friends, or family, because frankly how could they see what was invisible to me?

I didn't break down in tears in public.
I didn't gain or lose weight in big numbers.
I didn't stop shaving or washing or cutting my hair or my nails.
I didn't cut myself.
I didn't not show up for work or meetings or other commitments, although I was aware of taking sick days, or "mental health days" or rescheduling meetings to never or... no one else was.

What happened? I did talk to friends--because I wanted to find the name of a good therapist. The surprising result was wasted time and money with two "therapists" who were useless, except that the second blessedly sent me to an endocrinologist, which was what physically started me on the road to help... but conversations with friends--all women--who said, yeah, you're depressed and I know because I was/am depressed and you've got my symptoms.

Huh.

What was wrong with me? I had changed--and you've have to know me to understand that these things that follow were 180degrees unlike me--but they were where I was at.

First, I had no goals and couldn't plan anything long-term (meaning beyond the week).
I had no ambition for my job or career.
I was wearing the same clothes every day--with minimal variations.
I was sleeping on the living room couch every night--without pulling out the sleeper. I wasn't cleaning my apartment beyond the necessary.
I was watching the entire canon of MURDER SHE WROTE on Netflix, season after season, hour after hour after hour...

What did I do?

1. I met this endocrinologist, and we put me on bio-identical estrogen and progesterone and testosterone and thyroid hormone. 
2. I stopped going to/paying the bad therapist #1 and #2 and made my own list of goals, short-term and long-term--and then I made those goals, or some of them. Some are still in process. 
3. I stopped sleeping on the couch... mostly.
4. I stopped "retail therapy" and started saving and paid off debt in a big, bad way. 
5. I moved and decluttered my stuff along the way (dumped out the past and moved on!). 
6. I took a vacation I planned that was in no way work-related. 
7. I grew my hair and colored it the way I had wanted to for years.
8. I set goals for 2011 and worked to meet them, with the overall goal of increasing balance in my life. 
9. I started writing daily, again. 
10. I decided not to look for validation from my boss or boss's boss or students, but from my work (teaching and writing), my creativity, and my friends and family.
11. I stopped making myself crazy with the things I couldn't control--like bullying and mendacity and misogyny and rudeness (ok, well, mostly!) and let things gooooooooooo!

It wasn't until today that I realized how well I am doing, and how far I have come in two years, a little at a time. So, yay me!

Goodbye, September. Hello, October!

Well, so much for good intentions! Although I enjoyed writing about my delightful meals in Savannah I got nowhere with my plan to blog about food everyday. One of my favorite topics, from any standpoint, and I still couldn't get myself on the page. What gives?

September.

Warning: whinging ahead! I am actively soliciting your feedback and suggestions on how to "get on with it."

I have been surprised by the number of challenges September brought to my life from all directions. If you've been trying to follow my blog this month, I have been more notable by my absence than my presence.

Why? September!

Work challenges! This first month of classes and administration and student interaction has been a series of uphill sprints.

T-shirt armor

Just when I thought I was done and back on level ground, uphill again... full speed!

Before I get into full-speed whinging, though, let me point out the following:

1. my first novel got bought this summer and I hope soon to have a publication date from my publisher;
2. in a recent binge, I submitted 8 short plays and 1 monologue to 54 different site for production or competition;
3. I've got my senior undergrad playwrights involved with student composers, nationally known writing mentors, and, soon, local professional directors and actors;
4. I've got my junior and senior undergrad writers involved in a Spring 2012 celebration of the 600th birthday of Joan of Arc, where their original writing will be featured in public performance;
5. I'm writing three reviews of scholarly monologues for two different journals;
6. My recent conference paper went smoothly and offers yet another possible article, with some rewriting and development;
7. I'm writing encyclopedia entries for French theatre (17th-19th centuries), due in December, by invitation and for remuneration;
8. I've been invited to help form a local short story "bookclub" with some women I really like.

This is all good stuff that's happening: improving my community, working on my creative projects, supporting my teaching, and certainly developing my career credits. And the list above all makes me happy... countering:

Challenge #1: Not becoming sucked into an All Work/All The Damn Time situation. This is a constant challenge for me, and always has been. I tend to immerse myself in my work, and this year (2011) is supposed to be about finding balance. Making work 20% of my life, instead of 95%.

This requires me taking the time to schedule time with friends, making new connections across campus, and using the 15-minutes-per-task approach to house maintenance and grading. I am certainly more conscious about getting other things into my day; I have also realized that I have to set boundaries for myself about putting time into preparing classes, grading, and my own writing.

And yet! (Devil on my shoulder, here...) I am trying to infuse new thinking into my classes, which had begun to feel "old" and boring. To break old habits of putting off grading until the "night before" and to keep the classroom lively and fresh. This requires consistent time invested daily: for my class meeting Tuesday and Thursday, for example, I am spending time on the class on Friday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday, beyond the in-class time or student meeting time. Too damn much!

Challenge #2: My absent colleagues. Seriously. I work in a graveyard, where the colleagues on my hallway (five men) all keep their office doors closed all the time. I see my colleagues once monthly, at our faculty meetings. I share no committees with my colleagues--because we have no committees. Seriously? In an academic department? Grant you, I don't want more meetings per se, but I am in our building four days out of every week, and I see 1-2 colleagues weekly. In a department with 17 faculty members.

Not in my hallway!

This is just... weird. We never socialize; for instance, right now we've just welcomed three new colleagues and a guest artist with... nothing. Pointing them out at faculty meetings. The guest artist is with us through October and I've yet to see him. All email, all the time. This mostly just makes me feel disconnecte
Challenge #3: Return to Drah-Ma that comes with being back in classes and the few small meetings. Email seems to heighten Drah-Ma, rather than diminish it. Moments of over-reaction, over-acting, and under-empathy. Sigh.

Challenge #4: Maintaining the good eating, sleeping, and creative habits I flourished with this summer. Keeping the fridge stocked with fresh vegetables and fruits, then remembering to eat them (ah!). The Lazy Me emerges, looking for the quick grab-and-eat stuff of the past, the extended nap, the "do it tomorrow, Scarlett" attitude I worked so hard to nix.

My Favorite Things: Reality TV, The End (Oh, boy!)

We come to the end of my reality TV binge with the serious issue of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Yes, this poster says it all.

I find myself fascinated, appalled, puzzled, and irritated in various mixtures while watching this. I think part of my combined fascination and puzzlement comes from the endless series of media publicity surrounding this family of "reallity celebrities" (oxymoron!). Kim and her quest for "true love" before she's 30! Khloe and her battle with her family over her boyfriends! Kourtney and her baby-daddy (a term which I suspect is born from reality TV and simply sends shivers up my spine).

Like the rest of America, I ask myself: what makes the Kardashians worth a second glance?

I have no answer, but find myself watching episodes (again, at other people's houses) to see what nonsense and drah-ma Kris, Kim, Khloe, and the rest of the K-folks are perpetrating. I watch Bruce Jenner wander through his own home like a sleepwalker or someone who isn't quite sure what the heck is going on... I see bad choices, hyper(non)drah-ma perpetrated by Mama and Da Girlz, and simply wonder what makes them desperate to be media ho's, desperate to live every moment on camera, which apparently validates their existence.

Sadly, their averageness is the basis of their "celebrity": none of the Kardashians is more than a pretty face (except Kris, who is also a razor-sharp promotions and marketing force!). There isn't apparently any creative energy, intellectual drive, philosophical queries, or even humorous point-of-view. It is all about superficial looks and consumerism (several of the girls have owned/managed their own stores and Kim has fashion/perfume/merchandising contracts). The whole show suggests the audience could only be interested in a/ what these girls look like styled (not natural), b/ who they date/sleep with, c/ how they fight amongst themselves over the bad behavior of family or baby-daddies or husbands (not the same thing), and d/ what they buy/sell/promote.

I cannot suss it out, and perhaps that is why I watch. How can something with so little substance hold my attention? What does that suggest about me? One major thing: I don't need cable TV so I can spend more time with this nonsense.

My Favorite Things: Reality TV III

This is where things take a turn: reality TV I am equally fascinated with and horrified at. The "must look at the car accident" looky-loo kind of attraction that signals something bad.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Oh, yes. This entry into the franchise holds a power over me that is really, really disturbing. I think it is because unlike the other sites (Atlanta, Orange County, NY, NJ), Beverly Hills qualifies as Fantasy Island, so perhaps I sense a stronger whiff of non-reality TV than is good for me. It cannot be "real"... can it?

Oh, the excess! Oh, the bad behavior! All against the background of privilege, money, entitlement, and shallow glamour.

Again, I've only seen this while vacationing elsewhere, so cannot judge an entire season or series of shows. I am not even certain I have all the players yet, but without that I can still "enjoy" the backbiting, gossip, manipulations... all of the things that actually make it nasty.

I do not know about "real" or "housewives," but the Beverly Hills part seems only too true. Houses, limos, dresses, jewelry, bags and shoes, kids, husbands, dogs... whatever. I cannot fathom what these women call a "normal" day, which is probably one of the attractions.

And of course despite the "glamour," their relationships with husbands, children, and friends seem so unstable, unfulfilling, and combustible. Nothing makes them happy but a limited palette of shallow--and undoubtedly material--things, while they search for happiness, respect, connections, and meaning. And deny those things to each other.

I guess I could learn from RHOBH that money doesn't bring happiness, and things are a facile substitute for real connections to people, and that a life without giving to others or generosity of spirit leads to fear, anger, and uncertainty... but I think (hope) I already knew that.

What I don't get, and what ultimately fascinates me:

• these women will reveal anything on camera, apparently without limits
• these women are apparently okay showing the lack of depth or generosity or charity in their lives
• these women are so interested in being "reality celebrities" they will hurt each other or embarrass each other
• these women don't see that they are clones of each other, in the worst way, like a high school clique or a pack of hyenas (rmember that Buffy episode with the hyena-clique?)
• these women are okay revealing they don't like each other, when they know everything is on camera... and don't care that their hurtful remarks might be seen and heard by the world at large
• these women don't understand that their most intense moments of naked vulnerability and pain are the only "real" thing about the show

This is what we really have to fear from being "on camera" all the time: whose life will bear the brunt of constant observation? It's either high drah-ma or boring everyday "normality': which would be most devastating to these women?

My Favorite Things: Confession! Reality TV

(Note: I was completely foiled from posting this on Saturday! Lost the entire thing... had to start again today from scratch. What's up, Blogger?)

Generally, I do not like reality TV. I much prefer scripted series or documentaries. Last week, however, I found myself in not one but two intense discussions about reality TV as cultural phenomenon. Or just good ol' entertainment.

So this week I'm going to talk about  my reality TV perspective. Now you've been warned.

When Survivor "broke through" on TV and became the first "reality show" I noticed, I watched once to see what the fuss was about. Needless to say, it was obvious that Survivor, far from being like the Congressional session on C-Span, was heavily edited and driven by a narrative (one might even call it a traditional plot) while working very, very hard to look as if it was completely unscripted and impromptu. With "real people" rather than trained actors and "impromptu" or "authentic" events, Survivor actually did a great job of masking all the pre- and post-production work that went into making what must have been hours and hours of boring "real life" dramatic, mostly through manipulating (editing) the paranoia, jealousy, competitiveness, and fears of the contestants. Individual interviews allowed them to "reveal" their inner feelings, which were all focused on themselves, while group competitions introduced the "value" idea of each contestant, where each "tribe member" had to prove her/his worth constantly. Or manipulate others into letting them stay.

Oh, how I wish Richard III could be a contestant on Survivor!

My favorite reality TV shows are:

• Clean House
• Say Yes to the Dress
• What Not to Wear
• Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
• Keeping Up with the Kardashians

This is actually predicated on the fact that I do not have cable TV and watch all my TV via Netflix or when at a friend or relative's home (at which point I become irritatingly fixed on their TV). So while I say these are my favorites, there are a lot of shows I have never seen or have chosen not to watch, although I may be familiar with them as a cultural phenomenon, like Big Brother or Jersey Shore or Dancing with the Stars. There are others I have seen, like American Idol and Cupcake Wars that are either "meh" to me or which I actively dislike.

So do with that what you will.

I've already written about Clean House here, so you can enjoy my love for this show and its experts. Yay!

Moving on. Say Yes to the Dress is another crazy fave. Why? It is packed with valuable lessons I can actually use (unlike Cupcake Wars: I already know tuna and wasabi will NOT make a delicious cupcake and that improvising on the day is usually a BIG mistake).

What can/did I learn?

First, take no one with you to the bridal boutique. Not your mom, not your sister, not your groom. NOT your mother-in-law to be. At least, not until you figure out what kind of dress you can a/ afford and b/ feel good about. (This was a lesson my sister knew instinctively!)

Second, a corollary: everyone has an agenda and it is often not about you... so you can make it about you or you can stop listening. Or find someone who really has your back and take them (and only them). Then listen to them.

Here's what I love-hate about this show. Brides who have no sense of their own style get beaten up by EVERYONE who loves spangles/seed pearls/froth/bustles or whose taste is driven by what the minister will think/what the guests will think/what Kate or Angelina or Pam Anderson wore/the cost (high or low)/what they wore on their wedding day -- not what is good for/looks good on you. Dad worries about cost. Mom worries about neighbors/relatives. Sister worries about whether you look prettier than she does. Groom worries about what his buddies will think of your hotness. Mother-in-law worries that you're not good enough for groom, and how dress will show that off.

Third, you can't make a tea-length, short-sleeved white dress into a floor-length, mermaid-shape with a bustle and long sleeves. If you want a mermaid-shaped dress, start with that. The brides who choose one dress and then, little by little try to alter it so completely it no longer resembles the original shape or style... adding to the cost and often creating chaos.

Unfortunately, we often make the same mistake about life partners or houses or jobs. Yes, we pick a laid-back guy and suddenly, spend lots of time trying to tailor him into a go-getter... pay attention up front! See what is actually in the mirror, not what you hope will become true.

Fourth, while we tell ourselves that the wedding day is for the bride (and it is, to an extent), I see so much entitlement and bad behavior from young women who think that means she is Queen for a Day... but Marie-Antoinette, not Elizabeth I--including the power to behead people, act rudely and outrageously without consequences, throw away huge amounts of money on a 12-hour event, act out ridiculous fantasies, and force everyone to acknowledge her as the complete center of the universe! Bad behavior/self-centeredness run amuck, usually reinforced by parents, friends, and siblings.

I don't get it. But it is kind of fascinating. And certainly makes me more aware of how I treat other people.

Fifth, similarly, pay attention to how people talk to you. Ugh, the relatives/friends/in-laws who talk so rudely to the bride! Hey, if your groom insults your taste in front of his mother, he'll do it again. If she insults your taste and he allows it, it'll happen all the time. If your maid of honor undercuts your choice with sarcasm that makes you feel badly, she's not your friend. It is sad and illuminating to listen in on these conversations as they revolve around money, taste, maturity, and the power dynamic.

Six, I just love to look at wedding dresses. I could probably get all these things from some other reality show, but this one combines them with dresses.

And when it works, the bride does look gorgeous and feels good about her choice... and everyone is happy, which is what is important. It's not the money, or the poofiness, or the show-off factor, but whether everyone leaves the boutique happy... and good to connect these to a consumer event that sometimes costs huge amounts of money (really?) and leaves everyone, even the saleslady, unhappy.

I couldn't watch it everyday... but yes, I love this show.

Thinking about balance: long-term and short-term goals

Duchesse of Passage des perles brings up a good thought: balance.

My several resolutions are all about bringing balance into my life in multiple ways. I realized a couple of years ago that my life was way out of balance. If my life was a pie chart, it would have been 90% job and 10% everything else, which made me cranky and sad. I felt stuck, which wasn't only about particulars of this job, but about how I was approaching the whole of my life.

Long-term goals had been ignored or disabled to handle the daily/short-term goals thrown at me by chairs and deans, requiring re-actions rather than planned actions. And the drah-ma of other people's emergencies obliterated by energy and personal goal planning, making me depressed and disconnected.

This has changed, thanks to my own new awareness and redirection.

My total long-term goal, in fact, is to become more conscious about the balance in my life and to slowly, slowly make adjustments until I am spending part of each day investing in each area: resources, living situation, community, health, and creative work. Or at least, part of each week. To identify and balance daily/short-term tasks with long-term tasks, and then to bring both to completion. To eliminate re-action in favor of conscious and planned action.

For example, one long-term goal is to buy a house. But in confronting my current need to move, I have also (re)discovered that I might not want to buy here in DFW, but instead find a vacation/retirement house for long-term use. That would require redefining my housing goals and broadening my field of possibility.

This month, I have been really fulfilled in putting forward the scripts of my students for performance, making sure the process of their rewriting and the nightly rehearsal hours were fruitful for everyone--including directors, actors, and stage managers. This week we'll have audiences, and this project will come to an end. It was a short-term goal that started really in October and is now almost over: 5 months in length with over 52 collaborators.

The next short-term task connected to a goal--which is moving to the new apartment--will start mid-month. This will be shorter in duration (hopefully, only about 4 weeks) and less of a production.

The terrible thing about moving is the upset and the hoisting, hiring movers and being ready for them. The wonderful thing, for me, is being in a new place and nesting. I am really looking forward to having more space to put out my furniture and belongings, especially with the monthly rent savings. To spending the next six months "nesting."

Two apartments ago, the space was too big. This apartment is too small. I think this new one, like Baby Bear's bed, will be "just right."

Just about the time that project is complete, I'll be looking at the long, hot summer without an extra class to teach. Which--glass half-full--means freedom. I can indeed spend most of every day writing.

Halleluyah!

With most of May, June, July and August open, I can set short-term writing projects that must be completed by 8.15. Long-term project: get writing career up and flowing. Short-term: finish specific projects, save money, stay cool.

Minimalism: Drah-ma, Dahling!

Since last October, as you know, I have been focused on decluttering and minimalizing. This has taken focus on my small apartment, my closet, my email in-boxes, my pantry, my freezer, and my bookshelves. This material action has been a pleasure for me, since I already knew my apartment was cluttered--in 750 sq. ft., that becomes obvious pretty quickly!--but I had the feeling my life was stuck as well.

This startled and scared me, because when I was working with a life coach about five years ago, I told her that I felt like the characters in Dante's Inferno who were frozen in the slush. With my head barely above water. Am I in the same place in 2011 as I was in 2006?

I hope not!

Interestingly, when I went back to this image, I found it was the third circle of Hell where Dante encounters the gluttons (!) who are indeed stuck in freezing slush, stuck by the gluttony of their own desires. Ugh. And, to me, in the movie SE7EN, the most disturbing visual image is the glutton, forced to eat and eat and eat until he died. Again, ugh. (No pictures here!)

Rather than avarice, gluttony seems apt for the visual of myself and others gobbling up "stuff" and getting stuck, literally, in the muddy goo of ownership, especially of things I didn't really care about or use or need. The notion of letting go of those things has been liberating, as I said before, and while it has not created a naked apartment with plenty of room, it was a start.

What happens when "things" starts to include other people's detritus, like emotional drama?

Well, if I hadn't started to give away or sell books, clothes, shoes, pans, etc. (or to simply and joyfully throw them out!), I wouldn't have made room for the next realization: I need a new place to live, one that is larger, brighter, and has less drama. Less drah-ma.

Because I just realized (two months into the year!) that my greatest resolution this year is to get rid of the drama that formerly cluttered my life. By this I mean my own drah-mas, brought about by procrastination and evasion, but also the drah-ma of others.

Example: one reason I have speeded up the moving process, the major reason in fact, is the "drah-ma" of my complex. Not only my landlord's problems which culminated in a 60-minute phone call in which he spilled secrets of his life  (boy, howdy!) into my ear, but the gossipy neighbors who introduced me to "the problems" he was having by spilling the same problems into my ear at the mailbox and en route to my car "for my own good." While I appreciated their motive of looking out for me--and they were--they were also interested in passing along in gossip private information they were privy to.

I was going to move anyway, to change my living situation, but this drah-ma seriously affected my timetable.

There was a surge in this drah-ma between mid-December and the end of January, when I decided to move (and I was gone for two weeks for Xmas). My anti-drama policy made to clear to me that I had to take action. I did, and have a brand-new apartment with no drama.

Relief.

Second a-ha!: I also have been slow to realize that I work in a department that likes drah-ma, with a former chair who loved drah-ma, and that that made life not only drah-matic but uncomfortable. People who live with a chaos theory of management (former dean, former chair) like to "change things up" just to act as if that is creatively stimulating. People who thrive on gossip (neighbors, landlord) like to insert buzzing into their lives as a distraction, away from what needs to be done or their own issues. I am so guilty of this, as well!

By eliminating (or minimizing) drah-ma in 2011, I really hope not only to make my life saner and more serene, but to expand time for creativity and conscious accomplishment.

Oops, afternoon drah-ma: a colleague just stopped by to say he felt left out of the information loop and that the student project I am working on now is disorganized, which it is not, and to unload his drama and that of his students' second-hand stories.

What I realize is that drah-ma is addicting, like clutter, and can feel like hugging a tiger. You clasp it to you, it is soft and warm, and it will eat. you. up. Without remorse. Living inside a drah-ma is draining and exciting and highly emotional... it can feel so satisfying, as if you are I am really experiencing LIFE. But it is, like all clutter, just holding you me down and wasting energy. It needs to be given away, put out in the dumpster, or sold for good money (write a screenplay?). In fact, drah-ma is worse, because it leaves an ugly residue if I participate, and a kind of nasty shadow/smudge even if I don't. Walk away, Jay.

It is also about control. By creating a drah-ma and enfolding me in it, you attempt to control my emotions. My immediate response is: Hello, dumpster! Goodbye, slushy goo of gluttonous drah-ma!