Business Casual for Women

Thinking back to the Sunday event I attended a few weeks ago, I swing back around to something that confuses me consistently: what is business casual for women? how do I decide what appropriate business casual is, for me and for any event?

Our event was a networking/business opportunity, and yet I felt very few of the women (including me) addressed it as such. Instead, it felt like a Sunday afternoon party, where some business talk emerged--but it didn't feel as if we were women in the same profession gathered for a business-related event that included makeovers and advice about presenting a professional self.

Business casual: clothing worn to a less conservative workplace, or on casual days in a conservative workplace, or to a conference or out-of-environment meeting, retreat or other event that evokes a more relaxed atmosphere than the daily workplace. (This is my definition, by the way.)

Men vs. Woman Business Casual, as I see it.

In general, I've noticed men have a simple business casual uniform: khakis/Dockers (in khaki colors), knit polos or button-up oxfords or plaid cotton shirts, leather lace-ups or loafers + belt and a ubiquitous sports jacket (sometimes also khaki/stone/biscuit/beige).

This "uniform," which replicates the uniforms at Besy Buy and other big box stores, will work for men on Casual Friday, at conventions, at retreats or other HR events and in any workplace that doesn't require a short/suit/tie combo. A watch, a shave and a neat haircut: good to go.

Men just out of college might start with a t-shirt and jeans, but quickly switch to the easy care, easily maintained uniform. With fabrics that resist wrinkles, in a variety of price levels and with slightly different details (pockets, pleats, shades), any man can be appropriate anywhere.

Sigh.

The rules are different and more complicated for women than for men. So are the possibilities.

First: the atmosphere/expectations of your workplace. Which breaks down to:

• Where on the spectrum of conservative/liberal does your workplace fall?
• How does your boss dress?
• How does your boss's boss dress?
• How does the highest-ranking woman in your office dress?
• How do people at your level dress?

Wisdom: dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

Second: the hierarchy structures of your office. For example:

• Are you the only, one of the few, or one of the many women in your office?
• Are you the youngest, middle-aged, in the middle of the age group, older than your office peers?
• Are you an executive, executive staff, middle management, middle staff, etc.?

Third: you.

• Are you on the conservative or liberal side of the dressing scale?
• Do you need to wear pants rather than skirts for practical reasons?
• Is there a uniform, literally? Or a uniform, metaphorically?
• Are you moving up or passing time, for example as you launch a career as a writer outside the office block?
• Do you want to be taken seriously, listened to, promoted: in general noticed

Let's circle back around to my meeting that didn't feel professional.

The meeting didn't feel professional. Why? I suspect because most women were there in jeans and t-shirts or casual smock tops. Almost no one appeared to be there in a completely planned head-to-toe outfit. And, okay, I know that feels beyond a Sunday afternoon when we're all there to have fun, but again I say, it was professional.

I suspect many of the women would cite the "artistic" nature of the group (we all work in artistic communication) or the Sunday afternoon timing or even the DFW overall location (a general excuse for super-casual style) as the "reason" for their non-business/non-business casual dress. Sadly, I think these have become what I call "go to" excuses in our overly .

Here are some webposts about business casual:
Wardrobe Oxygen: specifics about business casual
Houston Chronicle: compares the difference between "business" and "business casual"
The Learning Channel: explains business casual
Virginia Tech: simple, straightforward guidelines (!) to business casual whats, whens and hows for soon-to-be-grads.

Ideas about how to use Color effectively

The bee in my bonnet, it seems.

I've been considering my previous posts about color. Here are some resources that I really like that provide new perspectives on color and how to wear it, appreciate it, risk it.

The blog The Vivienne Files: the writer provides countless examples of how to wear, mix, match color and to think outside the box. Nicely done.

The site Polyvore: a site where members can build sets, explore how other members create outfits, sets and use color.

The site Colourlovers: a site where members can explore color and patterns.

There are a number of books on Amazon (and obviously on other book sites) that foreground color. All of then usually include quizzes and a series of "types" that give the reader her correct palette to help anyone find the right colors for hair/skin/eye/taste. Dior or Chanel or Mickael Kors use color palettes. There are also lots and lots of books on designers with color photographs: see how I highly recommend spending a couple hours in the Barnes & Noble or a used bookstore checking out a stack of books. Buy a quiz book if you like those, buy a style book on Ralph Lauren if you like.

Hint: look at decorating books. If you like a house full of color, or full or nautical ideas, or Western, or French country, or Bohemian? Go with the pictures you respond to and try out those colors. Cheap ways? T-shirts from Target. Go get paint chips from Lowes or Home Depot.

Another hint: go to a department store (not a big box store, but a for-real department store like Macy's, Nordstrom's, Sears or Neiman-Marcus (do not be intimidated, just go) and try on dresses, sweaters, blouses and suits, strictly for color against your face and hair. Wear your usual make-up and hairstyle. You're not there to buy but to look, so try on crazy things you'd never, ever buy.

The best place to start might be a simple palette. Some of the best advice I ever found was in The Dress Doctor by Edith Head, where she advised choosing a simple palette of three colors and building a wardrobe around that trio. Head chose for herself a trio of white, beige and black. This series of neutrals worked for her--as the designer of fabulous costumes for major films, her own neutral self stood aside from the colors, fabrics and textures of her costumes.

Start small like Head and focus on three colors, one of which should be a neutral like white, black, beige, brown, gray or navy. Or go a little bit bigger and start with five colors, including two neutrals--I like this better because I need more variety. Finding the right shade sof the colors you choose is the challenge: green, for example, might be emerald or lime, olive or sour apple, pine or mint, avocado or kelly. That's where the choice comes.

In the end, it is also about what makes you feel good, as well as what you discover makes you look good. If you love orange, but the quizzes day NO!, find a way to wear it in shoes, accessories, scarves, jewelry. Or if you love orange and your workplace is conservative, same goes.

Consider, then, in choosing:

• what you like
• what you feel good in
• what works with your skin, hair and eye coloring
• what suits your workplace style and your non-work style

Go forth and experiment!

Let's talk about COLOR

All the pictures I used in yesterday's post as examples were famous women: women in government, women in the arts, women in economic and business leadership. They aren't "regular" folks, perhaps, but I maintain they're still great examples for the rest of us.

First, there is not an abundance of BLACK here. Which is good. Middle-aged women have come to rely on black (and its other neutral cousin beige) too much. I'm completely guilty of this.

Good black: the LBD that goes everywhere and makes you feel chic, sophisticated and sexy wherever you wear it. The black suit (skirt or pants) that makes you feel like a successful executive or the well-dressed woman at a formal event, like church or a funeral or a business dinner. The black accent that adds style to accessories like shoes, bags, scarves or gloves.

Bad black: the black outfit or piece you hide in, telling yourself you look thinner or taller but really only makes you look like a shadow. Possibly a bulky shadow.

Example: this summer I bought two linen maxi-dresses from a catalog. I bought one in light fuschia and one in black, but I took the black one to my tailor to cut it off just above the knees. Why? Because when I wore the dress in its original long form, I looked like a little old Sicilian gramma. All I needed was a headscarf and some tomato sauce to stir. Not my preferred look.

So I cut off the dress.

Second of all, each of these women has invested in good hair. Some of their styles are carefree and some are high maintenance, but each woman is paying attention to both cut and color.

You wear your hair everyday, no matter the weather, lack of time and your emotional stress. Therefore, unless you enjoy working your hair everyday (which I don't), a good cut that lasts between salon visits and holds its color is a necessity. It is an investment that pays off, if only because you know you look good everyday without fussing about it.

And yes, color is something to consider. At home if you can handle it, but at a salon if not. Why? Because we all go gray, silver, or white. You can go all the way that way and color your hair the right shade of gray, silver, or white for you, or you can choose a brunette, blonde, or red that brightens your face, suits your coloring and makes you smile.

Nervous? There are now temporary colors that fade without leaving dramatic roots. The color lasts anywhere from five to eight weeks. How do I know? I do it.

Get your stylist or colorist to give you tips about products, too. Hair masks, styling gels and waxes and tools like blowdryers that will, again, save you time and thought by delivering everyday.

Please note that none of these women has long, flowing locks more appropriate for rock stars or the CW's high school shows (think Vampire Diaries, Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars).

As a side note, notice the investment in good subtle jewelry, watches and scarves.

Color for Middle-Aged Women

And here are some great photos of "real" middle-aged women looking professional... not "junior." Using color, including neutrals, pastels and brights.

 

 

 

 

Here's neutrals and bright colors, here's covered arms and knees, here's attractive necklines without gaping cleavage, here's polished-looking hair and makeup without an overload of color but (BUT!) no clown makeup or bare-faced blandness.

 

Yes, lots of jackets, lots of v-necks, lots of feminine accessories like scarves and necklaces. Lots of colored and well-cut hair. Whoo-ee. And these are busy women, y'all!

 

 





Color and the Middle-Aged Woman

We all know that color has the ability to enhance our mood, influence our decision-making, and help us achieve what we want and need.

• Hospitals and police stations use color to soothe, control and direct those who work there and those who have to visit these (usually) high-drama sites
• Grocery stores and restaurants use color to make you hungry (meaning buy more NOW!) and to make you leave quickly (for high turnover)
• Leaders use color to influence our feelings about them, because spectators, listeners and critics respond first to color and the way it makes us feel rather than the specifics of a message
• Sports teams choose team colors to influence athletes on their teams (and oppositions!) and spectators

Why, then, do middle-aged women refuse to use color as a conscious choice to make us visible, raise our self-esteem, enhance our attractiveness and demonstrate our power on a variety of levels? Or simply to make us feel better about what we see when we look in the mirror?

Last week I was at a professional event -- a casual professional event -- and the theme was "putting your best foot forward." Now, all of the membership at the event were women (it's a women's organization), and most of us were middle-aged (meaning between 40 and 60). It was on a Sunday afternoon in a salon/spa and about 25 women attended, including the salon personnel.

Three women got hair consultations from the salon where we met, we all listened to an image consultant talk about color, and we chatted and snacked.

Here's what I noticed:

• Almost every woman there wore pants and a t-shirt variation
• Only one woman was in bright color throughout, although about half of the women used some bright color in an accessory
• Most women wore neutrals like denim, khaki, black or beige or grayed colors like loden, teal, gray (!) or faded navy without any color pop
• Most of us had little or no color in her makeup, meaning everything was neutral or black (like eyeliner) and many looked as if they'd spent less than five minutes on their makeup
• Very few of the women in the room looked as if they had pulled together a complete look from head to toe, meaning clothing, shoes, accessories, makeup, hair and bag; instead, we looked as if we simply pulled individual pieces together without much thought or more than two pieces (shirt + pants) in our mind
• Despite being mid-afternoon, most of us looked tired and slightly faded; it was a rainy afternoon, and we should have brought a colorful raincoat, unbrella, boot or shoe, or scarf to combat the weather's effect.

Overall, the meeting didn't feel professional. I didn't feel as if I was meeting women brought together by a shared profession (although that's why we were all there) to network, make connections and learn something; I felt more like I was at a group meeting grounded in personal choice, like a church or neighborhood gathering.

There were two problems in our overall style on Sunday: the first was the clothing/accessory choices and the second was COLOR.

Here's my problem with middle-aged women dressing in neutral colors and grayed colors: we are already one of the most invisible portions of the population by virtue of our age.

Oh, yeah: didn't you notice how invisible you've become? I've been noticing it for a few years now. And it's not just me.

I've also noticed the invisibility from two directions. It comes from within me and it comes from others/society.

• Middle-aged women are in a confusing position: we're no longer supposed to be sexy, we're too old to be new mothers (or fertile) while old enough to be established mothers (Mom-jeans) and when we dress to truly advertise our intellectual/economic/experiential power it makes others really, really nervous (yeah, Hillary!)
• Middle-aged women aren't sexy in the way young women are, but magazines/celebrities/media tells us to use the same old techniques and recycle the same old looks given us when we were sixteen, like long flowing hair, glowing firm skin and perky figure parts... which most of us don't have in abundance
• Middle-aged women know they're being compared to twenty-year old women, and feel bad about it (see sexy, fertile, perky above)
• Middle-aged women are still dressing to compete for the attention of men, to fit in with cheerleaders and models, and to look "young." Still?
• Middle-aged women feel guilty about caring about their appearance, spending money and time on something so "frivolous," and unprofessional by focusing on "surface" when they are serious thinkers, leaders and collaborators... even though we've earned the time and right to care about what heel height, what skirt height, and what color makes us look and feel best

And yeah, I'm tired of stovepipe/skinny jeans, sleeveless dresses, satin tops, short skirts, stilleto heels and everything else that suits a "perfect" twenty-year-old figure of 118 pounds but shows my age in every possible way, in fabric and style and fit... ugh. Makes me look and feel bad, makes me desperate to find something (anything!) else to wear, makes me want to kick something. Hard.

What I've noticed is that most middle-aged women go to bland or invisible rather than go Tammy Faye Bakker or Demi Moore or Grandma Moses (see above to choose your perfect "middle-aged" look). So...

#1: choose color. In your outfit and your face and your hair, dudettes!

• Even if your choice is on the muted side, say wines and violets and spice, or pastel shades like mint or buttercup or sky... get out and find yourself some color.
• If you like neutrals like beige and navy, team them with accessories or a single piece (a top) in color like clear red, green apple, bright white or carnation pink.
• If you like pastels, bump up the intensity a notch: instead of faded colors, go for pastels with a bright bump.
• Neutral clothes? How about using color on your lips, cheeks, eyeliner or hair? or accessories, like bags and shoes?

#2: learn which colors complement each other, accent each other, and fight each other...

#3: figure out which colors work for you emotionally, starting with the primary/secondary Purple/Blue/Green/Yellow/Orange/Red spectrum and then working through clear, jewel-toned, muted, pastel

#4: realize that NEUTRAL means how you feel as well as how others feel about you... neutral and don't blame anyone else for making you feel invisible, overlooked and bland. Camel can be chic, black can be chic, navy can be chic... it can also be the wallpaper behind you.

Next week: examples!

Following up the follow-up

In the spirit of "good news, bad news":

Yesterday I spent a dee-lightful lunch with a colleague (not that one) at her home. We ate outdoors by her pool, surrounded by Texas wildflowers and her potted succulents. We congratulated ourselves on individually successful years and accomplishments, and chatted lightly about students graduated and on-site. I met her cats and dog, we ate enchiladas she made and apricots I brought around.

Altogether a nice, happy, laughter-filled lunch. Oh, and totally missing the b.s. of last week's encounters.

Both of us have grown and come through a difficult patch in our personal lives but also our professional lives. Like me, she works on many projects outside the department (as well as in) and generously gives her time to students and professional colleagues. She's found a better way to continue working--lots more energy here, frankly.

We're talking about partnering on a project next year. I think it will happen, if I can get the script translated.

Then I spent the evening with another colleague at a meeting where I am a new member. Whee! Okay, the meeting was too long and confused, but she and I had drinks after and caught up. She's had a recent disappointment that I spent some time convincing her was, in fact, a weird kind of blessing. And it is: cat's out of the bag, she's off the hook, etc. Two years on the school's dime (with benefits) to develop her own projects. Go for it.

Yet another pleasant, open, honest conversation. Wow.

And then... "bad news":

Apparently a recent email of exchange of mine sparked hurt feelings for another colleague.

No, I didn't talk about him to someone else, or to him about himself. What I did was talk to a third party about a program that I might have some interest in, sharing my opinions about what I'd like to see (after prompting by third party) and stating that I wasn't aware of what was being developed.

Apparently, this is a case of letting people know "the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing," which is bad form. Ironically, MY bad form, according to my colleague... who never told me anything or asked me to participate. Well, shut my mouth, you big baby. You don't share, but boo hoo because I make you look like you didn't do your due diligence? which you didn't? boo hoo hoo.

And you slapped me in front of my chair, my dean, and the head of international programs? Oh no you din't.

Wasting my time.

Follow-up

Sadly, things between myself and my colleague have not gotten better. I spent time with him this weekend during our graduation ceremonies, and was disturbed to see that he spent most of that time using what he and I had talked about on Friday as background to suck up to the the shared colleague he badmouthed all Friday night.

Realization: he's doing the same thing to me on the few occasions he says he wants my input or conversation. I mean, acting "as if" he's my friend and shares my views, when what he really wants is to stroke my ego and get me to do something for him. Make me think he is my ally. Probably, then, he is badmouthing me to others, pretending he is in sympathy with them, when he is really just using all of us.

I know what he wants from this colleague, and if that person's ego is needy enough or self-focused enough, he'll probably get it.

And yet my original colleague seemed genuinely surprised when I complemented him Friday night about his management and leadership over the last decade--which was genuine on my part. He seemed shocked that anyone had noticed, complemented him out loud, or supported him. He didn't seem to know what to do with it--and one thing he did not do was return the complement.

Which should be some kind of signal for both of us, I think, that there is something intrinsically wrong in the way he handles his collegial business. If no one is complementing you, no one is noticing or celebrating your work, perhaps something needs to change. If you never notice, complement, or support your colleagues without an ulterior motive, perhaps something needs to change.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world," Gandhi said, and I agree. Starting now.

Rain

Finally, it's raining outside, which should wash away all the pollen polluting everything the eye can see (and the nasal passages can inhale).

It's a fitting feeling for a Friday night, because I am more disappointed in someone, a former friend, than I can remember being in quite some time. In some ways I guess I am grieving a relationship that I now think I imagined, rather than experienced. And this "friend" seems oblivious not only to the disconnect in our interactions but to his own dialogue. For instance:

• He shows up twenty minutes late for a drink date he made, then says he has to leave in less than a hour to meet someone else across town. No apologies for late show.
• He bad-mouths a colleague, then tells me the same colleague is setting him up/supporting him through a conference call-for-papers and he intends using that influence.

Sadly, after talking about his recent retirement from a position, there is little exchange of support from him to me. And he wants to talk about a "demonstrated lack of respect" he feels.

I've known this person as a peer, colleague and (I thought) friend for over two decades. I realize it's a lot of show and too little substance, which is terrifically painful somehow.

Don't get me wrong: I love the rain. Would move to Oregon or Washington in a heartbeat... but rain is fitting for this nasty post-meeting sadness.

Sadly, I've already come to expect nothing from this person. So why does he continue to disappoint me, hurt my feelings, break my heart? Perhaps because he is so very oblivious to everything, including what a great friend and colleague I am. Somehow I think he thinks we have a relationship, that I am unaware of his lack of respect or genuine friendship (so he must really think he is clever and I am stupid!).

Perhaps the good news is that I do have hope that he might want a genuine--instead of fake or non-existent--relationship. His loss? Yeah. My gain, by far.

No wonder I'm tired!

At the end of April, I find that I have accomplished the following just this month:

1. produced a festival of staged readings for six original plays by my students;
• including guest artists that I recruited and hired for the project;
• including original music compositions stemming from a collaborative class with student composers, that I initiated.
2. intiated and mentored the successful submission process resulting in $7,000 in grants and $5,000 in awards to playwriting students for community/creative projects.
3. directed the Ama Ata Aidoo reading at the international-scope African Literature conference on campus, in front of Aidoo just prior to her talk on human rights.
4. mentored the staged readings of three ten-minute plays inspired by Joan of Arc for a Medieval Studies/English/Women's & Gender Studies/Creative Writing class, a project in play for a year.
5. dramaturged an original play at one of the top local theatres.
6. completed three upperclass courses successfully.
7. found and rented an apartment in Paris for June, and made/confirmed all my travel plans to home, Paris and Oxford this summer.
8. deferred my taxes, paid my traffic ticket, joined Women in Film and completed my Search Committee assignment.

My reward?

I mean...

First Quarter Goals

Late but not forgotten.

My goals for the first quarter of 2012 were simple: get my finances in order, take care of the details for my summer travel, and get myself out of a rut and into a productive cycle at work.

All completed successfully!

Financial goals:

• I met with the reps for each of the retirement funds where my money is located and had productive information meetings. I feel great about the status of my current funds.
• I have slight adjustments to make with one fund: transforming a general fund into a Roth IRA to forward my plans to build a swanky retirement home: TBD.
• I worked to get credit cards paid off, and have currently only two outstanding bills.
• I donated two printers and a laptop to charity, getting them out of my house while earning a tax credit.
• I transformed two discount coupons into cheap yoga classes for April-May, thereby forcing myself to exercise while saving about 80% of the possible cost.
• I found and signed a lease on an apartment in Paris for June, using my savings to pay for the trip--as planned.
• I scheduled my flights, including the ones with the cat, roundtrip to CDG/Heathrow and back as part of my summer course payment (no cost to me but the cat's flights and suitcases).
• I maintained a strict weekly budget on my groceries, making it for all but two weeks of this quarter.

Outstanding:

• Taxes for 2011: I will meet with The Tax Man prior to summer travel to handle this.
• Roth IRA: I will also handle this prior to summer 2012.

Summer Travel:

• Apartment in Paris: check.
• Flights: check (including the cat!).
• Chunnel tickets: check (not yet received, but bought).
• Class for July: a May 2012 project.

Work, Rut to Productive:

• Aidoo reading completed for African Literature conference: check.
• Playwriting students brought together with music composition students, resulting in original music for original play performances: check.
• Short Joan plays performed in Medieval Studies course on Joan of Arc: check.
• Original playwriting festival staging six plays with 28 actors, 6 directors (2 professional, 1 faculty, 3 students), 6 stage managers, 2 crew, and 6 happy playwrights: check.
• Students earning grants for community-based arts project with award-winning playwright and documentary filmmaker for one month this summer, total of $7K: check.
• Course filled with non-majors with positive response: check!
• Internship developed for studentwith film shoot in Louisiana: check!
• Book reviews for two journals: check!
• Entries for encylopedia on performing arts: check!
• Contract for summer course: check!
• Proposal for new fall 2012 night course: check!

April through June: focus on health and creativity.